Sunday, September 13, 2009

Blessed Beyond Imagination

Well, first shame on me for not posting on 9/11. I had some nice, elaborate post in my head that never made it to the blog and now I can't remember it for the life of me. Labor day was nice, but missing Monday really threw me off and for much of the week I felt like I was just treading above water, know what I mean?

Mom and dad were here yesterday and Avery had a grand time with her cousin, Sebastian. Gigi and Paps were keeping him and we all went to visit. They chased each other and screamed and had the best time running and playing. I kept looking at them thinking "Wow, this is what it would be like to have 2!" And then I realized if I had given birth to the first little boy I was pregnant with, he would be almost exactly the same age as Sebastian. You'd think after 3 years it wouldn't bring tears. It wouldn't cause pain to rush back like the day that it happened. All of those memories would be so vague. But they're not. I can remember it so clearly. I think of the overwhelming love I have for Avery and I think of the little boy I never got to meet. I know I love him, but not like I love Avery. I think of what an important part of our life he'd be if he were here. How much Avery would love him. How we'd be 'done' with having kids...a little family, so complete. But after a while you do learn not to question it. Not to question Him. You just wipe away tears and know that one day, you'll understand. One day, you'll meet that little boy. And you learn to be so thankful. Avery looked up at me today and said "Ma-ma" in the sweetest little voice you could imagine. And I just grabbed her and held her. And thanked God for her. And knew that no matter what, we are blessed beyond imagination. Avery is getting so big and I think about another baby often, but I just know it's not the right time...and it may never be. The risk of complications or losing another baby are so high. So, for now, we will love our little Avery Grace. And squeeze her tight every chance we get! And watch her close, because when we don't she tends to...
...contemplate standing on top of the laundry basket...
...decide that could be a great idea...
...develop a technique to climb on top...
...then crawling up on all fours...
...slowly begins to stand...
...and just as mommy is coming for her... she JUMPS!

7 comments:

The Glenn Gang said...

Very sweet post! I can't imagine the pain you experienced or still have today. Praying for you girl!

thekennonfamily said...

That was an awesome post! It brung tears to my eyes. I remember getting the call from you about your sweet baby boy and the call that you had Avery. I will never forget either of those moments or the feeling that washed over me each time. No matter how many miles away or how many years have passed, I will always cry with you and laugh with you over all the the crazy curveballs life throws us even if it is online. I have the utmost respect for your strength. If you decide to take that chance again, I'm sure you will find some solace in knowing that there are sooo very many people that love you and will hold you and that sweet baby in our prayers for an ENTIRE 9 months.

I feel blessed to be able to call you my friend!

I know this was sappy...a little hormonal at the moment:-)

Cristi said...

Well you had me crying big tears, and then laughing out loud. I love you! Nuff said.

Penny said...

I agree with Nikki. Everyone will lift you and the baby up, if you decide to ever have another. Just like we did with Avery. Losing Carson made us all aware of the danger of taking a healthy baby for granted. (Not saying you did that, but I know I have.) I don't think, without those lessons, Avery would have had as much prayer surrounding her. And now look-- you have a perfectly healthy, beautiful little girl that affirms for everyone the power of prayer and the mercy of God. The same with Leon. It's a miracle that he's here and healthy. That can only be attributed to answered prayer.
BTW You already did your 9/11 post, remember? Just a little early. =)

brtty stella said...

This brought tears to my eyes! You are so right, you will see your baby boy one day and know you are so grateful for that precious little girl! Enjoy her! They grow up too fast!

Too Many Hats said...

Thank goodness I don't havemy make-up on yet, that brought tears. I am so sorry for your loss. Avery is quite the little problem solver.

LucieP said...

Sounds like Miss Avery is a perfect blend of little girl and tomboy! :)~~
You know she loves it when mom gets all excited/freaked out when she is being a daredevil!