I have been a little down today. Life just seems so unfair sometimes. So, if you think you're having a bad day - jump over to Adrienne's blog and realize that your day isn't so bad after all. Please pray for her, she has suffered more loss than I can fathom. I read her blog today and cried for her. I don't know her personally but it really doesn't matter. I cried and cried and then cried some more. And the more I thought about her losses the more I thought about mine. The baby boy that went to heaven in March 2006 before we ever met when I was 20 weeks pregnant.
When I come home every day, the older Avery gets, the more excited she gets that I'm home. I can really tell lately that she missed me and she loves me. When I see her as I walk through the door, there is this overwhelming feeling in my heart. It is indescribable. The kind of feeling that could knock you over. Almost a high, I guess. And a lot of times, I think about him. I think about all those days, all those feelings I'll never have with him. And I always wonder what his favorite color would've been. Isn't that silly? Of all the things I could wonder.
I am blessed beyond what I can imagine. I have the same mutated gene that Adrienne has that causes blood clotting. Life isn't fair....why do I get to have a baby but she doesn't? Why does she have to suffer over and over and over. Why did I have to lose a baby too? Oh, so many unanswered questions.
I also have a cousin, Johnny, with 2 young daughters. His wife walked out on him (Another thing in life I will never understand) and the 2 girls. After a long time he realized she wasn't coming back he moved to another state to be closer to his dad and grandma. A few weeks after he got settled in his own place, it burnt to the ground. He and his daughters are safe, which is obviously such a blessing, but they have only their pajamas. No clothes, no toys, no pacifiers and bottles and oh so many things we take for granted. And no mommy. And my heart hurts for him and those little girls. If anyone has any 2T or 3T clothes or toys or supplies for little girls (ages 1 and 2) I would be happy to buy them from you so I can mail them to him. Please say a prayer for Johnny and his little girls, too.
I am reading a great book called 'The Shack' that is the closest thing that I've ever read (well, besides the Bible, of course!) that answers some of those questions. God does love us. He does love us tremendously. In our small minds there are things that don't make since, that aren't very fair to us. But He is much more than we can ever imagine or understand. I am so thankful that there is a hope, that my parents raised me to believe in that hope. That I don't have to just decide that life just stinks. Thank you God...thank you for loving us even when we pout all day about life not being very fair.